


Swine Flu

by cutielemon07



Series: What Really Happened at 10 Downing Street [7]
Category: Political RPF, Political RPF - 20th-21st c., Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c., Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Ebola - Freeform, Exploitation, Gen, Making money, Nick Clegg is a man child, Robots, discussions of celebrities, drug companies need money, making up illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 18:32:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9197978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutielemon07/pseuds/cutielemon07
Summary: In an effort to get the drug companies to make more money, David Cameron, George Osborne and Barack Obama make up an illness akin to Swine Flu to get public to panic buy and stockpile hand sanitizer once more.





	

David Cameron, Nick Clegg and George Osborne were having a meeting with US president Barack Obama on one of his visits to the United Kingdom. 

"It's been a while since the Swine Flu crisis and the shortage of hand sanitizer." Obama said. "And I'm getting pressure by the drug companies to make more money, especially with Obamacare. I was wondering if you could help me." 

"Sure Mr Obama, anything." Cameron said. "But I need to know, will my rich friends-at all, in any way-profit from this?"

"I don't think exploiting innocent people is going to help with your crazy 'get the drug companies rich quick' schemes, you know." Clegg said. 

"Shut up, Clegg!" Cameron hissed. "Nobody's talking to you!"

"I don't care!" Clegg declared. "Barack! My main man! My homie!" He put his arm around Obama's neck. "The way you came up with that Swine Flu scare back in '09 was amazing. But I _really_ don't think that people will believe there could be another health scare just a few years after."

"Well, there was the Bird Flu scare in '06." Cameron said. 

"And the Foot and Mouth outbreak in '01." Osborne added. 

"As well as Aykroyd Flu in '97." Obama said. 

Clegg took his arm quickly from around Obama's neck. "Aykroyd Flu? I've never heard of Aykroyd Flu. What's Aykroyd flu?" 

Obama chuckled. "Ever heard of Dan Aykroyd?"

"The comedian?" Clegg asked. 

"Is there another?" Cameron snapped. 

"Go on." Clegg said cautiously. 

"Well, in 1997, Mr Aykroyd invented a chemical that causes the symptoms of the Ebola Virus." Obama explained.

"That would be fever, muscle pain, headache, diarrhoea and bleeding from bodily orifices and sweat glands." Cameron listed.

"Eew!" Clegg exclaimed. 

"Yeah." Obama winched slightly. "Quite a few people died from it, including Chevy Chase, Sigourney Weaver and Dan Aykroyd himself."

"Wait, you're telling me that Dan Aykroyd died!" Clegg's jaw dropped. 

"Yup." Obama nodded. 

"In 1997." Clegg frowned. 

"You got it." Obama said. 

"But he was Yogi Bear!" Clegg whined. 

"Was he _really_?" Cameron asked.

"Yes!" Clegg shouted.

"Are you positive it wasn't an impersonator?" Osborne asked. 

"Yes." Clegg said adamantly. 

"But it was a voice role, how can you be so sure?" Cameron asked. 

"Because..." Clegg trailed off as he tried to think of an excuse. Everyone stared at him, demanding an answer. "Oh my god! He really _is_ dead!" He shouted. "But what about Chevy Chase? He was in Hot Tub Time Machine and he has a starring role in Community! And Sigourney Weaver's been in a bunch of things since 1997!"

"But has she looked like she's aged since then?" Osborne asked. 

"Well, no. Not really." Clegg answered. "But I just assumed that she was having Botox and lipo like everyone else." 

"Nope." Obama said. "She-or rather, _it_ -is a robot, created by Disney Imagineers for the government to act and in a few years it's going to die after crashing into a mountain in its private jet."

"Evil." Clegg said. "You've really got this stuff figured out, haven't you?"

"Yes. We don't want to seem as if it's not ageing." Obama answered. "If we keep the robot around much longer, then the public will begin to suspect that it's a robot."

"We don't want that." Cameron added. 

"I guess not." Clegg sighed.

"So we're going to shut off the robot and have it droned into a mountain-say it's Sigourney Weaver's private jet." Obama said. 

" _Drones_?!" Clegg said in disbelief. "You really _do_ have this all figured out."

"As for Chevy, he has a clone-as do a few other celebrities." Obama continued. "Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Pitbull the rapper-to name a few. Chevy's clone is who you see in Hot Tub Time Machine and Community."

"What about Will Smith? Tommy Lee Jones? Rip Torn?" Clegg asked.

"Will Smith, yes. Tommy Lee Jones, yes. Rip Torn, no." Obama said. "Alex Baldwin, yes. Anderson Cooper, yes. Bill Maher, yes. Me, yes. Conan O'Brien, yes. Jon Stewart, yes. Stephen Colbert, no. Tina Fey, yes. Andy Samberg, yes. Josh Brolin, yes. Robert Downey Jr, yes. We need Iron Man." He listed.

"Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Alec Baldwin, Anderson Cooper, Bill Maher, you, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Tina Fey, Andy Samberg, Josh Brolin, Robert Downey Jr, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Pitbull the rapper?" Clegg asked.

"Yes. They're all the best in their field and must be saved in the event of a disaster or death. Also, there's one of Elvis Presley running around somewhere." Obama said.

"Any other celebrities dead from Aykroyd Flu you're not telling me about?" Clegg asked. 

"Well, all governments in the NATO area and the Australian government have vials of this dangerous virus." Cameron answered. "We let it out on celebrities sometimes as it shows no cause of death. Most recently I let it out on Amy Winehouse." 

"And I, Witney Houston. And Michael Jackson." Obama said. "All governments must consult each other if they choose to release Aykroyd Flu." 

"That dangerous?" Clegg asked.

"Clegg, if it gets out to joe public, then it could mean the end of the world. Like 28 Days Later or Contagion." Osborne said.

"Which is why we're going to release a vial of it on December 21st 2012." Obama said. "It spreads fast."

"Aykroyd, Chevy and Weaver were wise to isolate themselves and call President Clinton, whose CIA and FBI agents got a hold on the virus while the three lay on the floor, bleeding sweat and crap." Osborne said. "This is a virus that joe public don't know about and never will. There's not even a conspiracy theory about the virus."

"It's  _that_ secret!" Cameron added.

"Yeah. Cheers. I really needed to know that they died bleeding out their own crap." Clegg said disgustedly. 

"Can we now get back to the matter at hand?" Obama asked. "Choosing a health scare?"

"Just say that there's been a rapid increase in the amount of people with Swine Flu and make people with harmless colds think they have it." Cameron suggested. "You know, like before."

"That is a brilliant idea, boys, thank you so much." Obama stood up and Cameron followed. "I'll be on the phone to my health secretary about making this happen." He put his hand out and Cameron shook it. "I'll see you later, David Cameron." Obama turned to leave, but turned back again. "I'll see you next month, we're going to be discussing Assad's regime in Syria."

Obama actually left this time, leaving Clegg sitting where he was and looking very confused. 

"I thought Syria was done?" Clegg asked. 

"That's Libya, you bellend." Cameron said. "We'll also be discussing the health scare to the WHO and the rest of the world will agree with us or a little vial might just go 'pop'." He said, threateningly. 

"Oh." Clegg said. "Oh." Realization set in and he scrambled to his feet. "Is that the time? Hey, it's like, late at night. I'd... Better go." He dashed out of the door, leaving only Cameron and Osborne in the room. They high-fived.

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously this was written before the Ebola outbreak in Wet Africa. Then the next year was the Zika Virus. Now they're telling us to watch out for Bird Flu again. There just always seems to be a health scare or other.


End file.
